A Nature of Conflict (The Redemption Saga Book 3) Page 4

  He took a deep breath, looking for a way to tell Jasper how he was feeling.

  “She’s in her room, watching Netflix,” the golden boy told him. “If you want to talk to her.”

  “She threw me out this morning,” Zander muttered. She probably didn’t want him up in her room at that moment.

  “She didn’t tell me that.” Jasper sighed, putting his pen down. “Why?”

  “I might have been an ass.”

  “What did you say?” Jasper pressed.

  “‘I’m sorry for caring,’” he repeated.

  The curse that flew out of Jasper’s mouth was impressive. “Go fucking apologize,” he snapped. He flipped his notebook closed and glared back at Zander. Zander looked away as Jasper started to nail him to the wall over it. “Jesus. Zander. You…God, all this experience you have with women and you say something stupid as hell. Again. What the actual fuck is wrong with you?”

  “I just want her to trust me with it,” he mumbled.

  “She will!” Jasper yelled. “In her time! Holy fuck. Go! Now!” Jasper pointed to the door. “Jesus, you just can’t stop, it seems.”

  Zander ran out before Jasper could get angrier with him. It wasn’t too often that Jasper raised his voice and yelled. He was a passive, decent guy - and normally right.

  He didn’t go to Sawyer’s room though. He went across the hall and into Vincent and Elijah’s office.

  “Hiding in here?” the Italian asked as Zander walked in. “Come on.”

  Zander quietly went behind Elijah’s desk and sank down.

  “He’s right,” Vincent continued. “You should apologize to her.”

  “I just want her to trust me,” he whispered. “Ya know?”

  “Oh, yeah. I get it.” Vincent sighed and put his book down. Zander saw that he looked tired. Not haggard like he used to, not worn out, just a little tired, like he’d gotten up too early. He seemed healthier now than he had before Texas. He was healthier-looking than he ever had been before they caught Axel. “She doesn’t spend much time with me. We play a lot of chess. She doesn’t tell me too much. The stuff she does tell me is stuff that also relates to me. About my nephew, about what she knew of Axel’s organization.” Vincent smiled softly. “She does trust you, though.”

  “No, she doesn’t,” Zander snapped.

  “She lets you sleep with her,” their CO reminded him. Zander swallowed and looked away. “She won’t sleep with me.”

  “Why?” Zander asked. He’d forgotten her mentioning that in the morning and now that he thought about it, he didn’t see her and Vincent together late at night. He also didn’t pay too much attention to her activities with the others. He knew of the date because it had to be planned and it was something to tease them about.

  “Because last time she tried to kill me,” he answered. “She’s scared that she’ll do it again in another PTSD flashback. She has stuff to work out and it’s inconvenient, but we need to live with that. She needs to get through her own problems.”

  “Fuck,” Zander groaned. “You really have a way of putting things into perspective.”

  “You have a way with making small things into big problems. You’re also short tempered and abrasive. You’re as much of a fighter as she is, and while the arguments are funny, you need to stop.” Vincent’s tone grew hard at the end. “Hide in here until you’re ready to go see her. Elijah is off getting Estella.”

  “Any advice?” Zander asked.

  “Find an activity to do with her that isn’t sex or arguing,” Vincent answered, shrugging. “Might help you two find some common ground again. Work out, spar…don’t spar, too close to fighting and it’ll just lead to sex. Video games? I’m not sure she plays, but she might? You can introduce her to it?”

  “Like chess?” he added sarcastically. He was being petulant, and he recognized it. He wasn’t even sure why he’d decided to fuck with Vincent like that.

  “Get out,” the Italian ordered, pointing to his door. Zander glared at him, but Vincent didn’t show any emotion. “I don’t have to deal with the pissy attitude either.”

  He groaned and walked back out of the office. Thrown out by Vincent now. Fantastic. Just what he needed, to piss off everyone in the house. Now he just needed to find Quinn and Elijah to make the day complete.

  He was constantly shoving his foot in his mouth. He was normally better at women, Jasper was right, but Sawyer always got to him. He wanted more, and she just shut down. Talking about anything serious was impossible, and when he tried to show affection, she practically ran or yelled at him.

  Zander thought about that part. Slapping her ass hadn’t been the smartest thing to do. He hadn’t been thinking.

  He really did have some shit to apologize for. Like always. It was becoming a pattern.

  He made the long walk up to her attic room, noting that her cold magic now reached the bottom of the stairs up into the attic. It was a long way to bleed out. He’d expected it to stay in the attic, but he was constantly forgetting just how powerful Sawyer really was. She also had some serious depth to her Source, able to use her magic much more than he or Jasper could before burning out.

  He knocked on the door and waited as patiently as he could. He wasn’t going to screw up before he even got started by just barging into her room.

  “Come in, Zander,” Sawyer called out. He slipped in and closed the door quickly. There she was, laying on one of the couches and watching Netflix like nothing was wrong.

  “Heard the date went good,” he started, suddenly a bit worried he was going to mess this up.

  “The date was wonderful,” Sawyer confirmed, not looking at him. “Come sit down and tell me what’s on your mind.”

  “I wanted to say I’m sorry.” Zander sighed and sat down on the couch, lifting her feet to put them in his lap. He knew she hadn’t gone out in sweatpants and a tank, so he assumed she must have changed to have a lazy day. “For being an ass. I shouldn’t be slapping your ass and claiming it’s how I show my affection. I just like your ass and wanted to touch it. And I know you’re having a hard time with the nightmares still and I don’t want to make it worse.”

  “You can’t make it worse,” Sawyer replied. “You can’t make it easier or harder. It just is. Jasper has the magic to get in my head and help me through it. You don’t. That’s all.”

  “I just…”

  “You want to be in everything,” Sawyer finished. “I know.”

  “Do you want to play some video games?” he asked, hopeful. “It’s what Jasper and I do to kill time and hang out without it getting too complicated. I get to be competitive and he gets to just unwind.”

  “If you get a system set up in here, yeah.” She chuckled and looked down at him. “Call of Duty?”

  “You know…?” Zander was a little shocked.

  “I taught self-defense to kids and helped them with their homework,” she reminded him. “You think I didn’t spend my fair share of time playing video games with them?”

  “Well, shit.” He laughed. He hadn’t thought about that. “We’ll finish what you’re watching, then set it up.”

  “You’re forgiven, Zander,” she told him suddenly. “But I’m tired. Of the arguing, of the foot-in-mouth syndrome, the nosiness. I’m tired of being tired. As for the ass thing, I don’t know why it pissed me off at the time. I had to ask Jasper what we argued about yesterday, I couldn’t remember.”

  “Are you saying that I could do it tomorrow and you might not get mad?” Zander asked incredulously. How was he supposed to work with that? He decided he just wouldn’t. It was degrading, looking back. Slapping her ass was treating her like a piece of ass and she was more than that.

  “Oh, well, nearly everything you do frustrates me more than if anyone else did it,” Sawyer admitted a little guiltily. He saw a pleading smile on her face, as if she was begging for him to understand. “Sorry. You are an exasperating man.”

  “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, beginning to rub her feet.

  “Yeah, well,” she huffed. “This is what real relationships are, right? Bickering, figuring stuff out?”

  “I think so?” He hadn’t had one in years. Girlfriends in high school were the last attempts at steady he had. After he’d been with her just that once, he’d decided he wouldn’t go steady with anyone else. Only her. It was only ever her.

  “We might need to ask someone else?” She laughed.

  “We might,” he agreed.

  “You should know, I’m avoiding you tomorrow,” she declared. “I need space, ya know? We’re always right next to each other, and I think that might be part of the problem. Well, Elijah thinks it might be and I think I agree with him.”

  “Sure,” Zander whispered. He wanted to be around her for every minute of the day, but he could see how living with three men who all want her could be smothering. All four, if she and Elijah finally went through on the flirting.

  Five if Quinn could figure out he was already half in love with her.

  After her show was done, he set up a system to play on. He handed her a controller and was grinning when Jasper walked in and joined them, sitting on the other couch.

  This was what he wanted. Companionable moments where they were good and normal and together. He just needed to learn how not to shove his foot in his mouth. He was thankful that Sawyer was quick to forgive if someone admitted they had fucked up.

  He would change for her. He wouldn’t bother her about her nightmares; he wouldn’t touch her in ways that made her feel like property. He could change. Most things. He was certain they were going to hit something that he couldn’t change, but he was damn sure going to try. He loved her too much for his own idiocy to ruin what they had.

  4

  Sawyer

  The ne
xt day, Sawyer was ready to go out with Elijah and Quinn for some relaxation. Between her nightmares, Jasper, Zander, Vincent, and finishing her GED, life had become exhausting. Her GED was finished, for which she was thanking the gods, whichever ones she could remember.

  “Meet us out there,” Elijah had told her when he’d left after the morning workout. She’d showered, relaxed, and let her muscles stop protesting before deciding to head out. Plus, nine am had been too early to go swimming - a little too cold - but the afternoon sun was still very warm at this time of year in Georgia, touching the eighties and making everyone sweat.

  She walked out by herself, a tank and shorts over her bathing suit. She wasn’t sure if Quinn or Elijah would wear one, but damn it, she would. She wasn’t a complete heathen like them.

  When she got to the waterhole, Elijah was already there, nude and laying out on her favorite rock. Sawyer sighed and jumped up next to him, maintaining enough distance that he couldn’t reach her. She was over the casual nudity. It was a scene she’d seen often enough at this point: the barrel chest, the thick corded neck, the massive, broad shoulders. The thick, muscular thighs, the defined, lovely abdominals.

  She could stare at it all day, so she ripped her eyes away before he could tell she was staring. So far his eyes had been closed, but that could change.

  “How are you?” she asked, pulling off her tank and shorts and hanging them from a branch so they remained safe and dry. Unless Elijah or Quinn threw them in, which was a serious threat. She put her phone on another rock, far away from the water, so it didn’t have a chance to get splashed. It sat next to Elijah’s phone. The cellphones were sacred and would be safe.

  “Doing better now that you’re here,” Elijah flirted.

  She adjusted her swimsuit, a simple, all black bikini that let her get the best tan without going nude. “I’m glad to brighten your day,” she replied before lying out next to him. “Where’s Quinn?”

  “Not here yet,” he answered, waving around. “Obviously. He probably lost track of time while scribbling down those notes you’ve convinced him to do.”

  “I didn’t convince him to do anything except try a little harder for me,” she retorted. “He’s doing better, from what I understand.”

  “Oh, yeah,” he agreed. “Since you got involved, he’s jumped a few years in the mandatory stuff. He’s more confident about it. I just want him to remember to relax every now and then.”

  “You care for him so much,” Sawyer noted. “He’ll be fine though.”

  “I know.” Elijah chuckled. She closed her eyes when he rolled to his side towards her. “How are you?”

  “I would be better if you didn’t interrupt my date yesterday.” Sawyer teased, grinning. She wasn’t mad about it anymore.

  “I didn’t interrupt your date,” Elijah corrected. “I interrupted the post-date make out session in the garage.”

  “Prick,” she said, reaching to swat his chest. She closed her eyes to soak up the sun and lost track of the time. She had probably fallen into a light sleep. A laugh woke her up and she felt water splash over her legs. She sat up and narrowed her eyes on the water.

  The sight was breathtaking. Elijah was in waist-deep water, dripping wet in the afternoon sun. His cheeks were flushed with excitement and the heat. Quinn dove under the water where she couldn’t see him.

  “Get in the water, Sawyer!” Elijah called out to her, grinning like a mad fool. Right before Quinn pulled him under. Sawyer tossed her head back in a laugh as Quinn dragged Elijah into the deeper end, and when Elijah tried to get air, Quinn just shoved his head back under.

  “Save me, Sawyer!” Elijah called out, between laughs.

  “She isn’t going to save you,” Quinn growled, wrapping an arm around Elijah’s waist. He forced Elijah back under.

  “Quinn, be nice to the poor boy!” Sawyer yelled out, smirking. It was impressive that Quinn, leaner and smaller than Elijah, could take down the cowboy.

  “He likes it,” Quinn retorted. She saw that he didn’t let go of Elijah though. Elijah took the chance to grab Quinn and drag them both under.

  She sighed happily and enjoyed the sight of them roughhousing. She had little to no understanding of the friendship between them, but it was fun to watch the manliest men she knew play like boys. She knew they were nearly always together; they were keyed into each other’s moods and protective of each other.

  She laid back down and closed her eyes again, just listening to them laugh. She dozed back off.

  She dreamed of sunny days. Of a happy moment with Henry, pushing him on a swing set. She had been pretending for him to be happy, to be excited for him to get out of the house and play. Looking back, it was one of her happiest memories, though at the time, she remembered aching. Her ribs had been bruised and she’d favored them for weeks after it.

  But Axel would never ruin a good day where she took care of his son. He would let her out of the house, under close watch, to push him on the swing. She was burnt out, no magic left. All she could do was enjoy the moment with Henry, and it had become a small bright spot through a dark hell.

  Then she and Henry made it home and he was sent to his room.

  And she was alone with Axel. Her world went dark the moment she was alone with him.

  She sat up and groped around, not sure what she was looking for, her heart racing. The sun was bright and hot, and the air was humid, but now the shade from trees was over her resting spot. She pushed to a standing position and nearly slipped off the rock.

  “Sawyer?” Elijah called. “Sawyer, what’s wrong?”

  She gasped for air, trying to stand up straight. It had been a long time since waking up from a nightmare had rattled her like this.

  “Sawyer.” Quinn’s hoarse whisper cut through and a hand grabbed her upper arm. It steadied her.

  “A nightmare.” She rubbed the scar on her chest with her free hand. “It’s okay. I’ll be okay.”

  “You are working with Jasper?” Quinn asked. Splashing of water told her that Elijah was also getting out.

  “I am,” Sawyer sighed. “I am and it’s not going as quickly as I want it to but hell, at least I was able to wake up this time before…”

  “Before?” Elijah inquired. “Sit.”

  She fell back on the rock, ignoring the shooting pain from landing too hard.

  “She doesn’t have to tell you,” Quinn snapped, glaring around her to Elijah.

  “She doesn’t,” Elijah agreed. He sat down next to her. “You can if you want to, though.”

  “I don’t,” Sawyer curtly informed him. “I would like to pretend it hasn’t ruined my nice day.”

  “Whatever works,” he murmured. He bumped shoulders with her and she sighed. “Go find one of your boys, let them make the day good again.”

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Sawyer groaned, swatting Elijah on the chest. Quinn was laughing a little. “Can we just…forget about it?” She waved her hand, hoping to dismiss the entire conversation. Sex was the last thing she wanted. She couldn’t even find the humor in the suggestion.

  “If that’s what you want,” Elijah said, then they let silence fall.

  Sawyer’s mood had soured, and she got up. She grabbed her clothes down and pulled her tank on, then her shorts. She didn’t say anything as she walked away, hoping the long walk back to the plantation house would clear her head.

  “Can’t have sex,” Sawyer mumbled to herself, alone on the trail. Not after that nightmare. She’d sent Henry to his room, and while she was burnt out and magicless, Axel had raped her.

  What a fucked up time that had been in her life. Over and over, she looked back and wondered if she could have changed things. Let that first assassin kill Axel. Tried to run earlier instead of being naïve enough to think that Axel loved her. Found and escaped with Midnight before she was killed, but then Sawyer wouldn’t have been there for Henry. She could have taken Henry and disappeared later, but her fear of Axel’s retribution had been paralyzing and her love for Henry had been too much for her to even consider walking away without him.

  She was back at the plantation house and in her room when she realized that she forgot her phone back at the swimming hole.