The Rebel's Vision Page 11

  Someone was still talking, but she didn’t hear the words. When was the last time she felt like this?

  When my first human died, eight and a half centuries ago.

  Did it hurt this bad?

  The talking didn’t stop, but she couldn’t follow. She didn’t care to follow. Following meant confronting the painful truth in the words.

  “Brynec’s not reporting…”

  “A month…”

  “Can’t find him…”

  “Unable to help…”

  She stepped back, her vision blurry. Someone tried to grab her, but a snarl made the hand back away. She blinked several times and realized the male reaching for her was her remaining lover. Oh, Matesh.

  Were you keeping this from me?

  “How long did you know?” she asked softly.

  “They only just told me,” Mat whispered. “They…wanted to know if I wanted to talk to you or if they should. I decided we all should come here.”

  “Take the day off,” she ordered. “Go. Let me speak to Alchan, Luykas, and Leshaun for a moment. Please.”

  “Ilanra—”

  “Go!” she roared. Whatever background chatter there had been silenced immediately. The birds flew out of the trees, and the females behind her in the training field jumped up and followed them. In a matter of seconds, there was only the small handful of Andinna left.

  Mave was resisting with all her might to kill them.

  “I told you to leave,” she whispered at Mat, breathing hard. “I told you to go.”

  “You can’t hurt them,” Mat reminded her. “You can’t—”

  “Please go,” she said, trying not to flinch at the plea in her own voice.

  He stepped back from her and launched into the air. After a few moments, even he was gone from the sky.

  No one left spoke for a moment. She turned her gaze on Alchan, her heart feeling like it was crumbling to pieces.

  “There’s no hope of finding him?”

  “We haven’t heard anything about his possible location. Anden is so wild, sending out a search party could take years. He could be anywhere. He could be alive and safe, and we just don’t know. If he’s been captured, there’s nothing we can do for him until something passes through one of our spies, and we have an idea of where to start,” Alchan explained. He had probably already said it, but she was having a hard time stringing two thoughts together, much less what others had been saying once the conversation began.

  It had been another day of training, another morning of waking up in a cold sweat and running to work off the tension, to dull the edge of her fear, another breakfast with Luykas…

  Her eyes fell on the male she was blood bonded to.

  “How long have you known?” she hissed.

  “Not long, only a couple of days. I couldn’t say anything until Alchan and Leshaun thought it was necessary to pass the information along. Generally, when we lose a scout, one month is the line we draw, and it’s time to tell the family there’s a chance…Mave, I didn’t mean to keep it a secret to hurt you. Information is valuable, and if you found out over morning coffee, it could have spread to Matesh before we had a chance to explain to him. Or vice versa. We came here immediately after telling him.” Luykas looked away from her. “We’re not happy with this either.”

  “Is there a chance he could be alive?” She looked between the three males. Alchan, Leshaun, and Luykas had known Bryn longer. They were the better judges of his skills.

  “I think so,” Leshaun said, cutting in before Alchan could say anything. It left the king’s mouth hanging open for a second. “I think he’s alive and can’t contact us for whatever reason.”

  “Captured?”

  “Hard to say,” Alchan answered this time, placing himself between her and the old male. “He’s not one to get captured even in the toughest of situations. Maybe he’s stuck. Maybe he lost the book and is trying to retrieve it. Maybe he’s on his way back because he lost it, which was the deal we had. If he could no longer contact us with the blood spelled journal, he needed to come back to us, and we would have to reoutfit him before he could continue.”

  “So, this is just…” She swallowed the pain threatening to take her to her knees. “This is just a warning. This is just preparing me for the idea that…”

  “Yes,” he answered gently. “Mave, you know I would risk the entire Empire to save one of you. Any member of the Company is worth twenty of them.” He nodded in the direction of the village center. She understood the meaning. They were worth twenty of the other Andinna. “If I had any idea where he might be, I would send a few of you to get him. There wouldn’t be a question in my mind. It would piss off a lot of people, people who would think they were left undefended because of that decision, but I would do it.”

  “We don’t know where he was last,” Leshaun explained. “We have no idea. He didn’t report exact locations to us, which is smart in case either of us ended up compromised, but it’s left us in the dark.”

  “Okay.” Mave began to nod, picking up speed as she continued until she felt confident enough to raise her chin. “My husband wouldn’t get himself killed being an idiot near some Elvasi. He would never get himself captured. He’s the stealthiest member of the Company, maybe the stealthiest Andinna of all time. There’s no reason to think he’s been killed. He’s a strong flyer, a better warrior. The moment you get word from him or someone spots him in these mountains, you will let me know.”

  “Even if it—”

  “Alchan, if you don’t want me to kill you, you’ll let me know,” she restated, adding a threat she knew he would take seriously.

  “If you killed me, we’d all be doomed,” he reminded her.

  She considered that. She thought of Matesh, and his love for his uncle Leshaun, of Rainev and Zayden.

  “I’m not sure I would consider that in time,” she answered honestly. “But I know once the deed was done, I would try to keep the ones I love alive. Now, I’m going to go.” I can’t bear to see the hopelessness on your faces anymore.

  “Mave—” Luykas said her name, but she wasn’t in the mood for company anymore.

  She launched into the air, sending herself high.

  He’s fine. He has to be fine. I have to keep going, so we’re ready for him.

  She landed with a thud on her front porch and staggered through the door.

  Damn it. Damn this rebellion. Damn the Elvasi.

  She fumbled to get her boots off. She was taking the rest of the day off. She didn’t want to put on a face and work with the females. She didn’t want to see Senri and Allaina or anyone else.

  Her heart skipped a beat as she saw two pairs of boots by the door. Zayden’s was the pair she focused on.

  Those should be Bryn’s.

  She shook her head, dispelling the thoughts. It wasn’t Zayden's fault Bryn was missing. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, not really. Alchan had made the best decision he could for a critical mission. She hadn’t wanted Bryn to go because she would miss him, not because she thought he would be lost. She didn’t want to lose people she cared about—she didn’t have enough of them.

  She was still standing by the door when someone carefully reached around her and grabbed the boots she was staring at.

  “Excuse me,” he whispered. Mave looked over her shoulder to see Zayden, trying his best to get his boots without touching her. She stepped aside, watching him slip them on and lace them up.

  “You don’t have to…” Sighing, she rubbed her face. “He’s not reporting.”

  “Mat told me before he locked himself in your room. I’m going to get out of your way for the rest of the day. I can go bother my son or take over Mat’s training.”

  Something made her grab him before he was able to leave.

  “How did you do it? In case I need to, how did you survive losing your wife?” The questions rolled off her tongue. Zayden was close to her age, only a little older than Matesh. He had a son, once had a wife, and was still
considered young. He’d lost her and was still standing. She had no confirmation either way when it came to Bryn’s fate, and she wanted to fall apart. She wanted to rage and break things and ruin everything they were trying to build.

  She looked at his sapphire blue eyes, the ones Rain inherited. They were darker than his son’s, always weighed down with something. Had she never noticed before? Did she always dismiss him as just a grouch and miss the pain he always had in those eyes?

  “I didn’t,” he answered. Gently, he took her hand and removed it from his arm. He didn’t release it, leading her deeper into her own home. With his free hand, he pulled out a seat at her table and pushed her to sit down in it. Without saying a word, he went into the kitchen, and she heard shuffling and water being poured. When he came back into view, he was wiping his hands, staring at them. “I’m making tea.”

  “You said you didn’t survive.”

  “You know how it is. Things happen, and you live through them, yet you aren’t the same as you were. You said that to me once. I was scared for Rainev, still am because he’s different from the young male he was before he went to Elliar. I was a different male before meeting his mother. I became a different male with her.” He sighed, sitting down opposite her. “And I’m a different male now. I was always…stern. Matesh was the wild one, and I was the one who followed the rules and tried to keep him in line. I used to have fun, though. The War destroyed something happy in me, until I met Summer. Then we had Rainev, and I thought my life was perfect.” He chuckled darkly. “I knew she was from one of the short-lived races. I knew, and I fell in love with her, anyway. Even knowing I would lose her so quickly, see her grow old and move on to the afterlife, I wasn’t ready, and I didn’t survive it. I came out angry, overprotective of Rainev, and too difficult for most to deal with. I lost friends. My place in the Company was tenuous, at best, for at least fifty years. You, as you are now, won’t survive it, Mave.”

  Mave’s heart dropped, falling into a pit in her stomach.

  “He’s not dead yet.”

  “Of course,” he whispered. The kettle began to scream, and Zayden went back into the kitchen. When he came back, he had two hot mugs, one he slid in front of her. “Drink that.”

  She sipped it, ignoring the heat. It burned her tongue, and she wasn’t sure she cared at that moment.

  “What’re you going to do now?”

  “Keep going,” she answered. “Tomorrow. I can’t go out there right now.”

  “Good. Don’t do what I did. I dug my heels in and let grief mess me up for a long time. My advice?”

  “Yes?”

  “Don’t forget about the people who care about you. Mat loves you more than life itself. Alchan respects you, something not many can claim. My son loves you. I’m your friend. Nevyn and Varon. Kian and Senri. We’re a family, the Company, devoted to fighting with and for each other and protecting Alchan as he tries to make our world better. Family who fight and die together. I lost sight of that when I lost Summer. Took me a long time to remember it.” He reached out and patted her hand.

  “You’re good at this comfort thing.” It almost made her chuckle, and he must have heard it. He was the last person she expected to be good at it, but this wasn’t the first time he’d proved he was good at emotions…as long as his son wasn’t involved. He had held her in Olost after the attack. He didn’t have to, he had just realized she needed it.

  “I’m not always bad at everything,” he muttered, shaking his head. “Rainev’s had his heart broken by boys. He’s scraped knees, hit his head, fallen when he was learning to fly. Summer had moments of…despair. She was loved but never fit in.”

  “What could she shift into?” Mave asked, purely out of curiosity.

  Zayden looked away and never answered. Apparently, Mave’s question was a little too personal for him. They continued drinking their tea until he finally started talking again.

  “All I’m saying…it’s really hard to lose someone you love like that. You’re missing something, and I understand why you and Matesh need the day off. Skies, I wouldn’t blame you for taking the week off. I’ll keep helping out here, so you two don’t need to worry about it. It’s the best way to repay your kindness, letting me stay here.”

  “Helping out?” She sat up straight.

  “Ah…shit. Promised I wouldn’t tell anyone.” Under her stare, he continued. “Matesh has been overloaded, picking up the slack Bryn left managing the household. I took over stocking the food stores. It’s not a big deal.”

  “Thank you,” she said quickly. “I know it’s been different with Bryn gone…” She closed her eyes. She was hoping he would come home soon. This wasn’t the news she wanted. This wasn’t what any of them wanted. “Just…thank you. I’m going to go see Mat now.”

  “Okay.”

  “Don’t feel like you have to leave. You don’t have to leave because of this.”

  “I’ll probably be back later or tomorrow morning. You two deserve to have your house.” He smiled and stood up. “Go. He’s heartsore too.”

  She nodded and left the dining table. Her footsteps grew faster until she burst into the bedroom to find Matesh organizing their chests. Each one of them had a chest at the back of the room, holding their softer clothing, while armor had to be hung up in a different room, along with their weapons. He was going through Bryn’s, holding one of the scarves.

  “I never understood why he wore these,” Mat admitted.

  “He didn’t want anyone judging the scar.” She rubbed hers. She rarely thought about it like she rarely thought about any of her scars. Other slaves weren’t having the same issues she and Bryn did with the collar. Apparently, it wasn’t common in some places to have the slave collar on so tight. Another case of things getting worse as you drew closer to Elliar.

  “Yeah…we never did, though.”

  “You might not have. The Company may never have, but what if humans and Elvasi or mutts saw him in Olost and judged him for it? Or remembered him for it. The Company member with the slave scar. You’re all male, something that makes me stand out as the one female. He’s not the smallest one or blue like Rainev. Bryn’s number one distinctive feature to a crowd is that scar. The one who used to be a slave.” She understood it.

  “I think he’s alive,” Mat whispered.

  “So do I.”

  Lies. They hoped he was alive, and that’s what was hurting them—the not knowing. They hoped and silently prayed he was alive and wouldn’t accept anything else until they had his body.

  Mave took long strides across the room, leaning down to swiftly kiss Mat before he could say anything else. He pulled her down to his level onto her knees and held her.

  “Can we just do this for a little while?” he asked.

  “Yeah, we can do this.”

  11

  Rainev

  It was well past dark when Rainev walked into the family room of his new home. Living with Alchan was a series of careful movements, long nights, and embarrassing moments, but it was something he could claim as his own. He would have never had a place like this if he had moved out from his father on his own, but he liked to believe he earned his position as Alchan’s nemari, and that made him feel proud of the space.

  Rain was careful not to disturb Alchan, trying to maintain a quiet presence that didn’t interrupt the other male’s thoughts. Alchan had lived alone for hundreds of years, and while Rain had to adjust to the dominant male, Alchan had to adjust to having someone else around—someone who was supposed to keep an eye on him.

  Which was why Rain had stayed up late in his private room, reading, waiting for the right time to tell Alchan he needed to sleep. He didn’t get onto Alchan all the time, telling him to sleep, but they both understood there was a line Rain was required to draw on the matter.

  “Sir, it’s time for you to blow out the candles and turn in,” Rain said softly, keeping his eyes down as he stopped in front of the bedru King. He tried to ignore how cold the room had
gotten, reminding himself to make sure there was firewood once Alchan was gone.

  “How many times do I need to ask you to call me Alchan?”

  “It’s not that easy,” Rain reminded him. “I was raised—”

  “Yeah, I’ve heard that all before. I’ll get to sleep soon.”

  Rain looked up and sighed. Normally, Alchan just headed off to his room. Whether he slept or not was his business once he was there, but he was required to leave work items out of that space where Rain could put them away.

  “Sir—”

  “Not right now, Rainev,” Alchan growled softly. “Not right now.” Amber eyes turned on him, and Rainev resisted a harsh gasp as he caught a good look at Alchan. He had seemed fine all day, the signs of lack of sleep not yet presenting themselves. Rain had thought he was doing everything right, and it was suddenly clear he wasn’t.

  Dark bags had formed under Alchan’s eyes, and his face was sallow and pale. His eyes were bloodshot from staring at papers well into the night with only dim candlelight. Normally, the fire would be going in the hearth, and Alchan tended it himself, but tonight, he’d let it die out.

  “When did you last sleep?” Rain demanded, taking a risk. Calling out Alchan was a stupid thing to do, but if their king dropped dead because Rain didn’t force it, everyone would blame Rain. He didn’t want that on his conscience.

  “Can’t. Need…” Alchan rubbed his face. “How long has it been since I told Mave and Matesh about Brynec?”

  “Two days,” Rain answered, a shake entering his voice.

  “Since then,” Alchan mumbled. “Haven’t slept since then. I keep hoping he’s going to send us word, but…” His amber eyes were empty. “I haven’t hated myself so much since I had to tell your father you were being moved to Elliar by Shadra. All for the greater good. Every time we lose someone, I have to tell everyone it's for the greater good. Sometimes, I don’t know if I believe it.”

  Rain’s mouth opened and closed several times, unable to string together words into a coherent sentence.